The Geek shall inherit the earth.

And his name is Thomas, and he is me, and I shall inherit the earth.

People sometimes ask me 'Thomas, what's the difference between a Christian and a Catholic?' And I say 'Well I'm a Catholic called Thomas and, as such, I can believe whatever the hell I like, because no Catholics older than forty think any Catholic called Thomas is anything but a doubter. Which is funny, because I am a doubter. (Well, someone has to play Devil's Advocate. What's everyone got against that guy?) Whereas those other Christians, they'll believe any old bollocks! (Love you, Kels, honey, now let me keep the skin on my knuckles, yeah?) Especially those Baptists! They're nutters! (Knuckles, Kels.) And those crazy Lutherans! What's with that?' At that point, someone will have punched me, and I won't have to go on.

Actually, what I said about the devil isn't true. I fucking hate that guy, because he's evil. That's kind of his, you know, thing. His raison d'etre. Why would you follow that guy? What's wrong with you, Satanists? HE'S NOT GOING TO HELP YOU, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ON HIS SIDE! HE'S THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, DON'T TRUST HIM!!!!

Not that Christians are much better. Especially Catholics. Never mind the fact I'm supposed to be a homophobe, never mind the fact I can't use condoms or have sex before marriage, I'm supposed to hate Wiccans as well? I'd love to quiz the Pope on Wicca, see how much he knows, because I bet he knows less than he's letting on.I mean, not every religion involving a horned god is devil-worship! What is wrong with you people?

Nothing to say about Buddhism. I'd be a Buddhist, except... I'd only be doing it because I read Monkey - Journey To The West, which is a bit patronising. Plus, I'd feel compelled to be less violent, and we can't have that.

All of this is more or less academic anyway, because by this point, you'll all have stopped reading.